


carved my name

by scribespirare



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Blow Jobs, Body Worship, Cheating, Commission fic, Forgiveness, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Infidelity, Insecurity, M/M, No closure, break up make up, but they don't actually break up, the cheating is Gon/Zushi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 03:21:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21403339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scribespirare/pseuds/scribespirare
Summary: He’s endured so much shit from his family, mental and physical abuse alike, and thought he’d be able to tackle the regular world with little to no problems. That nothing would be able to hurt him again.He’d been wrong.
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 3
Kudos: 86





	carved my name

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lov3well](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lov3well/gifts).

> for the lovely full-moonz over on tumblr!

“And, it’s just, you know, they’ve been spending so much time together!” The cafeteria around them is nosy and bustling as students come and go, the scent of shitty college food heavy in the air. Killua’s food lays untouched on his plate though, shoved towards the middle of the table and forgotten. Across from him, Leorio and Kurapika are actually eating their own meals, the former with gusto and the later more slowly.

“I don’t know, he doesn’t really seem like the kinda guy to do that though,” Leorio says, then _oomphs_ quietly when Kurapika elbows him in the ribs for talking with his mouth full. The blonde picks up where he left off, “What he means to say is that it all looks rather bad, but maybe there’s another explanation for it.”

Killua just sinks a little more miserably into his seat.

When he’d started college a year ago, he’d just been happy to finally be out from under his family’s thumb. It’s why he’d specifically chosen a school half a country away with as many miles in between as he could fit. He’d wanted freedom and a fresh start and the ability to finally live the normal life he’d always craved. No more worrying or wondering about what shit his family would pull next or what they’d try to guilt trip or manipulate him into.

He’d met Gon on the very first day of classes and things had been…well, perfect. Nothing in Killua’s life has ever been _perfect _before, but they’d bonded so quickly, so deeply, that he’s not sure how else to describe it. They’d gotten lunch together, studied, hung out, went to annoying school events just to stock up on the free shit that was handed out. It was good. Then there had been that day, six months ago now, where they’d been binging trash food and Netflix in Killua’s dorm after their midterms, their laughter loud and voices carrying, and something nameless and foreign had welled up inside Killua. He hadn’t known what it was, or what that nameless desire ached for, but his body had moved like it had known. And suddenly he’d been kissing Gon.

The relationship had blossomed from there, and again Killua can only describe it as perfect. Sweet kisses and play fights ending in make out sessions, date nights, having goofy, fun, exploratory sex together, just generally the kind of normal, loving relationship Killua never thought he’d get to experience.

Until now. Or rather, up until a month or so ago that is.

Because the new semester brought a new roommate to Gon’s dorm. He’s a nice enough guy, a freshman right out of high school, energetic and happy-go-lucky. Killua honestly has nothing against Zushi. Hell, he’d even considered them friends!

Until Gon started ditching Killua for Zushi. At first it had just been lunch and study sessions, but then Gon had started skipping out on _date night. _What kind of boyfriend does that?

A cheating one, that’s who.

With a faint sigh Killua pulls out his phone, fumbling a little with the lock code because he’s a sap and it’s Gon’s birthday.

“He came over for a bit the other day,” he says, clicking through his photo gallery, “so I snooped through his phone a little-” Kurapika makes a small noise of complaint and Killua rolls his eyes. “I know it’s not healthy, but I’m pretty sure I’m right so the ends justify the means,” he snaps. With an angry flourish he turns his phone and holds it out for his two friends to see. He’d snapped a picture of Gon’s phone and the selfie he’d found. In it, Zushi has obviously stolen an oblivious Gon’s phone and is holding it up, making a little ‘v for victory’ with his fingers as he kisses Gon on the cheek. Gon himself is clearly distracted and looking at something else, but at the bottom of the image you can faintly see his arm around Zushi’s waist.

So. Cheating.

Killua lets his phone slip from his fingers and clatter loudly to the table as he sinks even lower into his seat. Any further and he’ll just be a puddle on the floor. It’s dramatic sure, but he’s not sure how else to articulate the exact twisting, tearing sensation in his chest.

He’s endured so much shit from his family, mental and physical abuse alike, and thought he’d be able to tackle the regular world with little to no problems. That nothing would be able to hurt him again.

He’d been wrong.

He _hurts_. He hurts _so fucking bad._

Across the table Kurapika and Leorio share a quick, pitying look and it just makes Killua’s stomach twist further. He doesn’t want their fucking pity. He just wants to the truth. Or maybe, what he really wants, is to go back in time by a few months so he can pinpoint exactly when he’d lost Gon’s interest and fix it.

“I think you should probably talk to him,” Kurapika says softly.

“Man, I never would have pegged him as that type,” Leorio muses, tapping idly at Killua’s phone. “That’s…fucked.”

Killua snorts loudly. “That’s an understatement, don’t you think?”

“Do you want us to talk to him for you?” Leorio asks. “I’m not sure what good it would do, but maybe I can make him see some sense.”

Kurapika shoots him a dubious look and Killua shakes his head. “No. I need to confront him myself. I just…gotta work up to it, I guess.” Or maybe just run away and never come back. Escape his problems here like he escaped his family. But that, somehow, makes him feel even worse. As much pain as Gon is causing him right now, Killua still loves him, way more than he ever thought he could love someone.

“We were supposed to have lunch today,” Killua says idly, staring at the table. “He didn’t even text to say he couldn’t make it.”

A throat clears, delicately, and Killua glances up to find Kurapika and Leorio both looking behind him at something.

“I think there’s a reason for that,” Kurapika says. Neither of them looks happy, Kurapika’s face closed off and cold and Leorio downright scowling.

Dread settles low into Killua’s stomach as he turns, finds Gon easily coming towards them from across the cafeteria. He’s rushing, face slightly red with exertion, and clutched in one hand is a bunch of flowers. Killua snaps back around in his seat, slightly panicked. His two friends both give him sympathetic looks, but they’re also gathering their things.

“Now is as good a time as any,” Kurapika says kindly, and before Killua can break down and beg them to stay they’re gone. He only has a few seconds to shove his panic down before Gon reaches him, sliding into a seat recently vacated.

The flowers get set awkwardly on the table between them. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Killua echoes faintly.

“Sorry I’m late.”

Deep breath. Let it out slow. “I didn’t think you were coming at all.”

Gon’s shoulders hunch a little and he smiles, sheepish. “Yeah I…wanted to talk about that, actually. Can we go somewhere else?”

Killua glances around the cafeteria, at all the people just going about their lives normally, chattering and loud and every mixture of emotions possible. “Nah. This is fine.”

Across the table Gon takes a deep breath, like he’s preparing himself. It’s putting Killua on edge and he shifts, wishing again he could just leave.

“So…I know you already know what’s going on.”

Oh thank fuck, they can go ahead and get that on the table. “Yeah, I saw your phone,” Killua admits, fingers folding together on the table.

“I know, you left the picture open,” Gon says, mouth curling up like he thinks Killua’s forgetfulness in this situation is funny or something. “I haven’t been cheating though, not on purpose.”

Killua feels like he’s physically going to be sick. “Aren’t you?” _Don’t fucking lie to me._

“I kissed him, just once-”

“And that’s not cheating!?”

“It was, I admit that,” Gon hurries, placating. “And I’m sorry it happened. But before the kiss I didn’t even realize what I was doing. It didn’t occur to me that I was cheating until he kissed me and I kissed him back.”

Killua stares at him, silent, heart pounding. He’s glad they did this in a public place because here Killua can’t break down the way he wants to. Is this supposed to be comforting? To make him feel better? Because it’s not.

“And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I ditched you and that I didn’t realize what was happening and that I kissed him back. But I’m done.”

_Done_. The words rocks through Killua like a bullet, makes him grip the edge of the table to ground himself. Despite it all, the idea of them really being over, being completely through, is terrifying.

But then Gon goes on. “I told him I don’t want to be with him and that I only love you. He…took it well, actually. And I filed the paperwork to swap rooms before I came here. That’s part of the reason I’m late.” Almost timidly he pushes the flowers an inch or so across the table towards Killua. “This is the other reason. It’s…not much, but I thought it might help.”

The bouquet _is _beautiful, red roses and white baby’s breath against a backdrop of dark, glossy leaves. It must have cost quite a bit. But it really doesn’t make up for anything. Still, Killua doesn’t actually want what they have to end, and Gon _does _seem to be trying to make amends. So.

“I don’t know if I forgive you yet.”

“I understand.”

“I don’t want you two hanging out alone anymore,” Killua continues, demands really. Then quietly, “at least for now. Maybe later, after...”

Gon’s face lights up like it’s Christmas fucking morning, nodding as quickly as can. “Yes, of course! I already told him we couldn’t. Honestly, Killua, I’d cut him off as a friend entirely if you wanted me to.”

Killua _does _want him to, especially since he suspects Zushi knew exactly what was happening even if Gon didn’t. But it seems controlling to demand Gon cut a friend out of his life completely, so maybe they can talk about that later. With a sigh Killua collapses back against the booth, suddenly feeling worn out and exhausted. This has been a hell of an emotional roller coaster and he gets the feeling he’s not quite off of it yet. There’s still more work to be done for their relationship to be steady and stable again.

But for now Killua takes the roses of the table, bringing them to his face to breathe in their scent. “Can we just…go hang out at my dorm?” he asks. “It’s been forever since we did.”

Once again Gon lights up eagerly. He even carries Killua’s bag for him, though Killua rolls his eyes and snaps that he’s a grown man, thank you very fucking much. Gon just smiles at him with his eyes squeezed closed and throws Killua’s pack over his shoulder.

When they hang out, it’s usually at Killua’s dorm because he has a separate bedroom from his roommate. The dorm is more expensive because of it, but Killua prefers the privacy. Especially when the first thing Gon does when they get inside is to push Killua gently towards the bed and kiss him. It takes Killua a moment to kiss back, unsure if he actually wants to right now. He’s still reeling. But Gon is warm and familiar against him, his mouth loving as he presses Killua down into the mattress.

“Let me show you how much I still love you?” The words are murmured against Killua’s lips. His breath hitches but he nods, lets himself be manhandled till he’s spread out on the mattress. They make out for a long time, Gon hovering over top of him on one elbow, his free hand sweeping over Killua’s chest. It’s a comforting touch but the warm press of tongues and lips has heat building low in Killua’s stomach. Not the roaring inferno he’s used to when it comes to Gon, fooling around between classes and in the middle of the night, after study sessions in the library, hurried and giggling and rushed.

This is slow and careful instead, devoted. It takes nearly twenty minutes for them to lose any clothes and by the time there’s skin to skin contact Killua is pressing up into it.

“I thought you were bored of me.” He’s not sure why he says it, why the careful drag of warm fingers over his ribs compels him to open his mouth that way. But the words escape nonetheless, and he stares up into wide, concerned green eyes. Gon blinks, his mouth pulling down into a frown before he’s pushing close again.

“I’m sorry I made you feel like that,” Gon replies, kissing at Killua’s face, his eyes, cheeks, nose. “I’m so sorry.”

Killua doesn’t realize he’s crying until Gon is hushing him gently, kissing down his body with careful slowness. “Shh, I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” With just as much carefulness he gets Killua out of his pants and underwear, sucking bruises into pale thighs.

Killua sniffs wetly. “I hope you know this isn’t actually going to fix anything.”

“I know.” Another sucking kiss. “I’ll work hard at earning forgiveness too. Consider this…penance. I want to make you feel good.”

Killua huffs, reaching down to tangle his fingers in dark, spiky hair as Gon makes good on his word. It only takes one touch for Killua to harden fully, at half-chub since the first kiss, and he arches his back and sighs as Gon licks a wet stripe up his dick. Full lips close around the head, sucking gently and making Killua moan.

Gon works him slowly and steadily, his mouth hot and wet around Killua, lips worked red with friction. And all Killua can do is lay back and take it, gripping at the sheets as he gasps and moans. By the time Gon is working several lube coated fingers inside him Killua is all but sobbing in pleasure, the only thing keeping him from twisting and thrashing being Gon pressing down on his hips. He comes like that, sweaty and gasping on his dorm room bed, Gon laying between his thighs as he works him over. A whine escapes his throat when he gets oversensitive, but his boyfriend backs off with one last lap to his softening cock.

Gon collapses next to him on the mattress, leaning over to kiss Killua briefly. Killua can taste himself on Gon’s lips, but he doesn't mind horribly, sighing softly as he rolls towards his boyfriend, reaching down as he does so. “Do you want me to-”

But Gon grabs his hand before it can reach its destination. “No. This was supposed to be about you.”

Killua frowns but decides he’s too tired to argue. The emotional whiplash of the day is catching up with him and his orgasm drained the very last of his strength.

“Fine,” he mutters, curling closer to Gon. “But only this once.”

Gon presses a kiss against his forehead, feather light. “Of course.” 


End file.
